Found And Lost Read online

  With that, Chase walked back towards the ranch. I didn’t know what to do. I was confused. Even though I desperately wanted what Chase was offering, I was terrified. Afraid if I let myself care for these people, for CJ, it would all blow up in my face, and I’d end up alone again. I was scared to take that chance.

  Instead, I ran. I wanted to outrun all the thoughts and fears going through my head. After a while, I heard an animal crashing through the forest. Even from a distance, I could sense CJ. Stopping, I waited for him to catch up.

  Once he spotted me, he stopped, eyeing me for a minute before slowly approaching. “You aren’t going to run away from me, are you?” He thought.

  “I’m standing here, aren’t I?”

  “Do you realize how long it took me to catch up to you? It took over three hours just get close.”

  “Sorry, I was trying to outrun my thoughts. I guess I lost track of, well, everything.” I thought back.

  “Are you leaving? Are you going to go wild like my father said you might?” He asked. I could smell his fear.

  “I honestly don’t know. I needed to think. It’s all too much, so I just kept running.”

  CJ looked at me, intently. “What did my father say to you that made you run.”

  I sat down on my haunches, “He didn’t make me run. There was so much to think about; it was overwhelming. He said stuff about being human and wild. About people missing me if I left. About staying and having a home. And some other stuff.”

  “Did you make a decision?” CJ thought.

  “No. It’s just as a wolf I’m not afraid all the time. Eventually, I’d forget everything: all the loss, the pain. There’d be no more nightmares. I’d never lose anyone I cared about again. It’s tempting, you know.”

  “I can see where it would be tempting, except you’d miss a lot too. The worst of your life is behind you. You’re young. You have your whole future ahead of you. If you stay with me, um, us. I promise I won’t let anyone hurt you again. You’re not alone anymore, Mia. You can decide to go wild anytime. Shouldn’t you at least try being your own person for a while? Long enough to see what happens?” CJ pleaded.

  I could feel the desperation in his thoughts. “CJ, would you miss me if I left?” I thought hesitantly.

  “Why do you think I keep chasing after you? I would miss you more than you can possibly imagine.”

  I realized two things. First, if I went wild, I would forget everybody I ever knew, including my parents and CJ. As much as losing my parents hurt, I didn’t want to forget them. Nor did I want to forget CJ, Chase, and Beth.

  Second, I realized CJ did care about me, and no matter how much I wanted to let go of the pain of my past, I could never subject CJ to more loss. Now that I knew about his losing his siblings, I understood the sadness I sensed in him. I couldn’t cause him more.

  After being helpless to save his siblings, I knew why he had such a strong desire to protect those he cared about. Deciding I would not be the one to wound his beautiful spirit further, I got up and started trotting off towards the ranch. When he didn’t follow, I stopped. “Are you coming?”

  “Where are you going this time?” CJ asked anxiously.

  “Home,” I replied. I felt relief surge through him.

  CJ caught up in one leap and thought, “Race ya.”

  My Mate

  Mia

  We stayed in wolf form through the end of the night. We hunted, played, and explored. Around three am, we were getting tired and went back to the ranch. CJ changed at the main house then came and let me in the apartment. I stood inside the door, waiting for him to join me, then I went into the bathroom and changed.

  It was easy, this time. I just consternated on being Mia and what I wanted. A home, people who cared about me and CJ. Just like that, I was me again. Well, there was some pain involved, but not much.

  I walked out in a towel to grab some clothes. CJ gave a huge sigh of relief. “Does this mean you’re going to stick around?” He asked.

  “Well, I want to talk to your parents. I won’t stay unless I can earn my keep. However, that’s my plan.” I answered. CJ pulled me into his arms and went to kiss the top of my head. Feeling very bold, I got on my tiptoes, turned my head up, then pressed my lips to his.

  CJ’s arms tightened around me as the kiss deepened. His tongue pressed against my lips until I parted them. As his tongue searched my mouth, it felt like wildfire was racing through my blood. I melted against him, wrapping my arms around his waist.

  The clothes in my hand fell to the floor as I slipped my hands under CJ’s shirt. I could feel his heart was beating as hard as mine. As I started to caress his back with trembling fingers, warmth spread through me.

  Pressing more firmly against CJ, I felt the heat spread through my whole body until it felt like every nerve ending in my body was ablaze. A heavy ache gathered in my neither regions. I didn’t know exactly what I was feeling; I just felt like I never wanted it to end while desperate for more contact at the same time.

  Though I was scared to death, I didn’t want to let go of CJ or what I was feeling. I’d never felt anything like this before. After what seemed like an eternity, CJ pulled back, looking down at me. His warm blue eyes were almost dazed. I hadn’t even noticed my towel had fallen off.

  CJ stepped back, sucking in a breath, he stared at me. “Everything about you is perfect.” He whispered as he ran tentative fingers up my arm and across my shoulder, making me tremble. Grasping the back of my neck, he pulled my head to his, kissing me again. The shiver that went through me had nothing to do with fear.

  To my surprise, CJ took a step back. “Don’t worry, Mia. I’m not going to take advantage of you.” He said as he bent down to pick up my towel. Handing it back to me, he waited while I wrapped it around me again. “How old are you anyway?”

  “I’ll be seventeen May 25th.”

  “Well, at least you’re not as young as I thought. Only jailbait for another year then.”

  I frowned, “Jailbait?”

  “Yeah, you know underage for a guy my age to be involved with. If I cross the line with you, I could go to jail for it.” CJ kissed my forehead and turned to leave. Only I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted to sleep in his arms again. When his hand was on the door handle, I practically begged, “I don’t want to sleep alone, CJ. I haven’t had a nightmare once since we’ve stayed together. I feel safe when I’m with you. Please stay?”

  CJ looked at me, intently. “Mia, I’m not sure I have the will power to spend another night with you without, you know...”

  I frowned. “Know what?”

  “Mia, you drive me crazy. When I touch you, I want to do more than just touch you.” I could feel his frustration; only I didn’t understand it. All I knew was CJ was upset with me.

  I felt tears burning in my eyes. “I don’t understand, CJ, why is tonight different? Did I do something wrong? Are you angry with me?”

  CJ scrubbed his hands through his hair. “Mia, I mean, I want to have sex with you. At least part of me does. Part of me knows it would be wrong. Except when you’re in my arms, it’s really hard to ignore that part.”

  “What do you mean by having sex?”

  “Do you really not know what I’m talking about? Didn’t your parents teach you about you know, sex?”

  “Well, no. My mom tried once, but I was a tomboy. When I changed the subject, she said we’d have “the talk” when I was ready. We never got the chance. I wasn’t interested in boys before they were killed. After that, I stayed alone.”

  “Geeze Mia. I don’t know how to explain this. When we just kissed, what did you feel?”

  I blushed. “Like I was on fire all over. Like I never wanted to let you go. Like I wanted you to kiss me forever and never stop.”

  “I felt the same thing and more. Mia, I’m a guy that’s crazy about you. When I’m close to you, my body responds to yours. I want you.”

  “I’m right here?”

  CJ sighed, “I wan
t to make love to you, Mia, only it would be wrong of me to take advantage of you. I fight the urge, but it’s hard for me when we sleep together. I’m not sure I can keep fighting the urge when you’re that close to me. Now, do you understand?”

  “Is that why part of your body got harder when we kissed?”

  CJ cheeks flushed, and he rubbed his hands over his face. “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation. Yes, that’s why.”

  “Why would making love to me be wrong if we both want to, CJ?”

  CJ started pacing. “Mia, maybe you should discuss this with my mother. She can explain it better than me.”

  I could feel I was making him uncomfortable. “I guess I should let you go. I know you need to get up early.” I turned away from him to hide my tears.

  “Damn it, Mia, don’t cry.”

  I sat down on the bed, hiding my face in a pillow, my words muffled from speaking through it. “I’m sorry, CJ. I’m sorry, I’m stupid. I’m sorry I’m upsetting you. I just don’t understand what you want from me. Just go, CJ.”

  Instead of leaving, CJ came over to the bed, touching my shoulder. “Mia, you’re not…”

  I jerk away from his touch. “Go, CJ. I should have known better than to get too close to you. I’m better off alone.” Coming here was a mistake. I was making CJ unhappy in his own home.

  “Mia, please look at me.”

  I curled around the pillow. “Go!” I screamed. I heard him cross the room.

  Before the door closed, he said softly, “Sleep well, Mi’amore.”

  I cried harder when I heard the door close. I wished I knew what he wanted from me. I wished I wasn’t so ignorant. Most of all, I wished I was tucked safely in CJ’s arms, with my head on his chest, listening to the reassuring sound of his heartbeat.

  Finally, I got up and went into the bathroom. I let my tears run out in the shower. I’d learned a long time ago; tears were useless. They changed nothing. No one heard or cared if I cried, so why was I wasting my time shedding tears.

  I slept on the roof in my sleeping bag that night. I still couldn’t get used to the softness of a bed. It was a restless night’s sleep, nightmares and all. Even though I woke up early, I stayed in my loft. I didn’t want to face CJ. I got dressed, had some cereal, then hid out until I saw Chase, CJ, and some of the hands ride off on horseback before I went downstairs.

  I figured it was time to say my good-byes. Yes, leaving while CJ and Chase were gone was the cowards way out, only I knew if Chase pressured me to stay, I’d cave in. It would be much easier to explain to Beth. I knew she would put the needs of her son above mine, while, because of his guilt over leaving me in the past, Chase was more apt to put his concern for me ahead of everyone else’s.

  After throwing my few belongings in my backpack, I was ready to go. All that was left was telling Beth I was leaving. She greeted me with a hug when I knocked on the door. “Good morning, Sweetheart. Would you like some breakfast?”

  “No, thank you. I already ate. By the way, thank you for stocking the fridge and all. It was really thoughtful.” I answered. “I was wondering if we could talk for a bit. If you have time, I mean. And I’m not imposing?” I continued nervously.

  Beth took me by the hand and led me to a small sunroom off the dining area. Pouring me a cup of tea from the pot already sitting on the sideboard, we sat at a small table that set in an alcove, surrounded by plants and flowers, with the sunlight pouring in.

  “Mia, dear, you are never imposing. What did you want to talk about?” She was so sincere I had to smile. It felt good knowing she cared about me and broke my heart that I would have to give her up.

  “Since my presence here is making CJ uncomfortable, I decided I can’t stay. I just wanted to let you know before I headed out.”

  Beth looked alarmed. “What do you mean, Sweetheart?”

  “CJ kissed me last night. It felt so good. I could feel he enjoyed it as much as I did. At least I thought he did. Then he got all weird. He talked about wanting to have sex and about it being wrong. I asked him what wanting to have sex meant. Then he got really uncomfortable. I could feel how badly he wanted to get away from me after that. I don’t want to make CJ unhappy in his own home. It’s better if I leave.”

  Beth frowned at me. “Mia, don’t know what having sex means.”

  “I have no idea. CJ got upset when I asked. I just wanted to understand what he wants and why it would be wrong. I didn’t mean to upset him.”

  Beth chuckled as she took my hands in hers. “Men don’t like to talk about these things. Let me explain how things work.”

  By the time Beth finished explaining the birds and the bees, I understood why CJ had been uncomfortable. “So you and Chase make love because it’s a way of sharing each other completely?”

  “Exactly,” Beth confirmed.

  “Does it hurt?” I asked.

  Beth got a strange grin on her face. “You know how that kiss felt?”

  “Yes, it felt amazing.”

  “Well, making love is ten times more amazing with the right person. It might hurt the first time for a little bit because of that thing I told you about with a virgin. Having sex with a good partner is quite enjoyable but making love to a person you are meant to be with is indescribable.”

  I thought for a minute, trying to figure out how to ask the next question. “Beth, if having sex is so amazing, why does CJ think it’s wrong? Is it because I’m the wrong person?”

  Beth smiled at me. “Actually, Mia, I think it’s because he thinks you’re the right person.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense. How can it be wrong if I’m the right person?” I asked, sounding as confused as I felt.

  “Your very, very innocent for a girl your age. Second, I think CJ suspects you might be his mate. He knows making love to you would bind you two together for life.”

  Disappointment flooded through me. “Oh, I think I understand.”

  Now Beth looked confused. “Then why do you look so unhappy?”

  Not wanting Beth to see the tears starting to form in my eyes, I stared at my hands in my lap. “He doesn’t want to be stuck with me.”

  “That’s not it, Mia. He doesn’t want to do something you aren’t ready for.”

  I glanced out the window, rather than meet her eyes. “Hence the reason I need to move on. I don’t want to do anything that would make CJ unhappy. I feel the pain and sadness in his spirit sometimes. The wounds left from losing his siblings run as deep in him as they do in you and Chase. That sorrow tinges his beautiful, bright spirit. I don’t want him to ever feel bad or guilty because of me.”

  “You felt that in him? In us? You mean sensed it.”

  I looked at my teacup. “I can sorta feel people's emotions and read their spirits and the emotions that color the way they feel.”

  Beth looked at me, thoughtfully. “That’s an unusual gift, Mia. Let me try to help you understand what your sensing in CJ better. CJ was the happiest, most carefree child until he lost his older sister and then his brothers. After that, he became a very serious, conscientious boy. As a result, he’s become very protective of everyone he cares about.

  I think you’re wrong about CJ wanting you around, Mia. I haven’t seen him as happy and relaxed as he’s been since you came along in years. CJ is just afraid of pushing you too far too fast because he cares so deeply about you. I’m pretty sure he’d be devasted if you left.”

  “Are you sure? I don’t want to cause him any grief.”

  “The only way you could do that is by leaving. When you disappeared after talking with Chase yesterday, CJ was beside himself. He was petrified; you’d run off for good. He wouldn’t have felt that way if he didn’t want you here.”

  I smiled. “Beth, thank you for explaining, well, everything to me. I feel dumb. No wonder CJ couldn’t wait to leave last night. By the way, thanks for offering me a home. You and Chase made me feel wanted. I sensed the kind of people you were the minute I met you, which is what kep
t me here this long. Until I met all of you, I never considered staying in one place. Especially one so close to Jackson.”

  “You’ve brightened all our lives, Mia. Trust me when I say CJ would be devastated if you left. So would Chase and I, for that matter. No one can ever replace your parents, Mia, but Chase and I would like to be their substitutes if you’ll let us.”

  I got up, went around the table, and hugged Beth. “Are you sure?”

  “Very sure, Mia.”

  I realized I wanted to be a part of this family more than I’d ever wanted anything. I couldn’t stop the grin that spread across my face. “In that case, I’ll stay.”

  Beth hugged me back. We were both crying by then. “Welcome to the family, Sweetheart.”

  I could feel she wanted me here. It made me extremely happy because I already loved her and Chase. I sat back down to finish my tea. “If I stay, I need to be useful. CJ said something about a job.”

  “I think you would be perfect for it. We have chickens, ducks, geese, pigs, and, believe it or not, cats. They help keep the rodent population down on a ranch this size. Eggs need to be gathered for a crowd this size, and the animals need to be fed.

  I work as a nurse at the local hospital three afternoons a week, and the rest of the hands keep busy with the horses. The wives do the gardening and cooking on those days. They could use help in the kitchen preparing dinner. If you are interested, it would be a big help. Also, I was thinking about contacting DCF.”

  I froze with my teacup halfway to my mouth. Beth noticed, adding, “Relax sweetheart, I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do, just hear me out. I thought since your birthday is right around the corner, we could petition the state to make you an emancipated teenager.

  It means you would be considered an adult. With a job and place to live, you have that right. They wouldn’t need to contact your next of kin under those circumstances. I think it would go through without a hitch. You could even go to school. What do you think?”